I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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