when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
