Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
