Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
