Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
