New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize