Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
