I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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