Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
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The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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