called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
