At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Pants are for mortals
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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