First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Boobs are out for the taking
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
