The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
