I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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