Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
