I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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