Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
