I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
