Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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