hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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