I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
