So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
