My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
