and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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