I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
