He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
