I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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