did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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