I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
