I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
