i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
