The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
