You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the condom got lost in my hair
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
