My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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