peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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