why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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