I just found puke in my bra..
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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