help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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