Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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