Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
