did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
