We won't sleep together?
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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