Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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