...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
