that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So many bounce houses so little time
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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