matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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