Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
