dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
