he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
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On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
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I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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