On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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