Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
