the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
