Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
