you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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