I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
