when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
