break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
