I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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