ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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